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This is mostly an update on the general Status of Things. I'd appreciate it if you read.
It's been close to nine months since I've touched this journal. I suppose that's because I no longer need it in the same way I did a year or two ago, as there is not really any more progress to be tracked in my transition. Technically, I'm finished with the "transition" part of things. I've been on testosterone for over two years, and I've had all the surgeries that I plan to have. I'm as Nathen as I ever wanted to be, even if it's taken me this long to realize that.
As most folks know, my original plan was to get to this point and go off and blend into the woodwork. I wanted to be 100% stealth, and I wanted my "past" to be a well-kept secret amongst myself and those I chose to include. However, some time ago, I realized that this was extremely unhealthy. How could I just cover up such a huge part of my identity? How could I just disregard the fact that GirlMe ever existed, and run around for the rest of my life only being able to tell people certain parts of my history? How is that fair to me or anyone else?
Well, it's not. As a result of much soul-searching, I realized that hiding and ignoring such an enormous part of who I am does little more than prevent my own inner peace and harm my relationship with myself. Not only that, but I've found on numerous occasions that being out and open about things has gained a higher quality of acceptance much sooner. I rarely face negative reactions because I am not afraid of them, and poking fun helps, too. I can only count four negative reactions to date, and two of them are just hilarious. This has mostly caused me to believe that everyone I interact with on a regular basis should know all about my vajayjay. I don't want to be surrounded by people who can't accept that anyway.
Okay, it's true. I just wanted an excuse to use the word "vajayjay."
Anyway.
The aforementioned soul-searching lead me to yet another conclusion, and this one surprised the hell out of even me. Even this far into my brand new "male" life, I'm not the 100% dude I expected to be.
In fact, I'm probably more in touch with my feminine side now more than I ever was before, I guess because I'm not spending all of my time suppressing the hell out of it. But let's face it, folks, I'm a way better looking guy that I was a girl. Anyway, I understand now more than ever the arguments against promoting only two genders, because mine, which I've mostly just come to call "trans" (as a culmination of all genders, not a blend of two), is certainly not recognized as valid as much as I wish it were.
Which leads me to publicly answer the question I get most frequently- what is my sexual orientation? Well, folks, without a "solid", binary gender identity, how can I have a "solid" sexual orientation? One's gender has very little to do with my attraction to them, and you can call it "bisexual" if you wish, but then we're back to believing that there are only two, and we've already discussed that that is simply not true.
All of these new thoughts and conclusions have surfaced in a number of my songs, and I've kind of put performing on hold for a while because I just don't want to be known as a Queer performer. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it's not a scene that I want to be a big part of just yet. I'd rather just be a part of the regular ol' folk scene, because that's what I know, and because I feel as though the things I can say and teach will go much farther in the non-queer scene. Those are the people who need those lessons, instead of just preaching to the choir. And honestly? Queers are depressing. All they want to talk about is how oppressed they are and all they want to do is run around shouting "ACCEPT ME OR ELSE!" instead of actually doing anything effective. I don't even go to most pride festivals and queer events because they're some of the most discriminating damned people out there. It's a flawed system. Let's integrate, people.
Anyway, this post has been edited and reedited a thousand times over, and I still don't really have a point other than "hm...there are a whole lot of people who have stuck by me for a long time and probably want to know what's up." Well, here's what's up. Enjoy.
It's been close to nine months since I've touched this journal. I suppose that's because I no longer need it in the same way I did a year or two ago, as there is not really any more progress to be tracked in my transition. Technically, I'm finished with the "transition" part of things. I've been on testosterone for over two years, and I've had all the surgeries that I plan to have. I'm as Nathen as I ever wanted to be, even if it's taken me this long to realize that.
As most folks know, my original plan was to get to this point and go off and blend into the woodwork. I wanted to be 100% stealth, and I wanted my "past" to be a well-kept secret amongst myself and those I chose to include. However, some time ago, I realized that this was extremely unhealthy. How could I just cover up such a huge part of my identity? How could I just disregard the fact that GirlMe ever existed, and run around for the rest of my life only being able to tell people certain parts of my history? How is that fair to me or anyone else?
Well, it's not. As a result of much soul-searching, I realized that hiding and ignoring such an enormous part of who I am does little more than prevent my own inner peace and harm my relationship with myself. Not only that, but I've found on numerous occasions that being out and open about things has gained a higher quality of acceptance much sooner. I rarely face negative reactions because I am not afraid of them, and poking fun helps, too. I can only count four negative reactions to date, and two of them are just hilarious. This has mostly caused me to believe that everyone I interact with on a regular basis should know all about my vajayjay. I don't want to be surrounded by people who can't accept that anyway.
Okay, it's true. I just wanted an excuse to use the word "vajayjay."
Anyway.
The aforementioned soul-searching lead me to yet another conclusion, and this one surprised the hell out of even me. Even this far into my brand new "male" life, I'm not the 100% dude I expected to be.
In fact, I'm probably more in touch with my feminine side now more than I ever was before, I guess because I'm not spending all of my time suppressing the hell out of it. But let's face it, folks, I'm a way better looking guy that I was a girl. Anyway, I understand now more than ever the arguments against promoting only two genders, because mine, which I've mostly just come to call "trans" (as a culmination of all genders, not a blend of two), is certainly not recognized as valid as much as I wish it were.
Which leads me to publicly answer the question I get most frequently- what is my sexual orientation? Well, folks, without a "solid", binary gender identity, how can I have a "solid" sexual orientation? One's gender has very little to do with my attraction to them, and you can call it "bisexual" if you wish, but then we're back to believing that there are only two, and we've already discussed that that is simply not true.
All of these new thoughts and conclusions have surfaced in a number of my songs, and I've kind of put performing on hold for a while because I just don't want to be known as a Queer performer. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it's not a scene that I want to be a big part of just yet. I'd rather just be a part of the regular ol' folk scene, because that's what I know, and because I feel as though the things I can say and teach will go much farther in the non-queer scene. Those are the people who need those lessons, instead of just preaching to the choir. And honestly? Queers are depressing. All they want to talk about is how oppressed they are and all they want to do is run around shouting "ACCEPT ME OR ELSE!" instead of actually doing anything effective. I don't even go to most pride festivals and queer events because they're some of the most discriminating damned people out there. It's a flawed system. Let's integrate, people.
Anyway, this post has been edited and reedited a thousand times over, and I still don't really have a point other than "hm...there are a whole lot of people who have stuck by me for a long time and probably want to know what's up." Well, here's what's up. Enjoy.
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